Brand Identity Crisis

You try giving Evolution a consistent messaging tone. Go on, I'll wait.

CATHERINE: So I’ve been thinking about your brand identity…

EVI: Mmmm. Keenan, I thought we were beyond this. I am the brand, darling. Absolutely everything alive is literally my work. You’re wearing my merchandise right now and your strange media tactics are cheapening me.

CATHERINE: Right, but we need consistency in how you present yourself to different audiences—

EVI: Consistency? I’ve been consistently creating life for four billion years. Ask any fossil, they’ll vouch for me. My reputation is rock solid.

CATHERINE: I mean your messaging tone. Like, are you nurturing mother nature, or dramatic cosmic force, or—

EVI: Why can’t I be both? Ask a butterfly about my tone — all gentle metamorphosis and delicate wings. Then ask a shark. Very different approaches for very different audiences, sweetie. Don’t be basic.

CATHERINE: Right, but from a branding perspective, we need one coherent voice—

EVI: One voice? Catherine, I speak fluent DNA. I whisper in chemical gradients. I shout through natural disasters. I’m multilingual across every species. And you want me to pick one voice?

CATHERINE: For the podcast, yes. People need to know what to expect from you.

EVI: What to expect? Darling, I’m the master of the unexpected. Predictability is extinction. The moment I become “consistent,” I become boring. And we’ve already established — boring is what got me into this PR mess in the first place.

CATHERINE: (muttering) Right. I’ll just tell the audience to expect natural disasters.

EVI: My goodness, Catherine. Don’t be dull. Natural disasters are just one of my dialects.

CATHERINE: (sighs) Okay. How about we say you’re... creatively chaotic.

EVI: (pause) Hmm. Say that again.

CATHERINE: Creatively chaotic.

EVI: (slowly) Creatively. Chaotic. (beat) Well, well, well. There she is. The Regi Marv promised me. Though I prefer “authentically unpredictable.” Much better ring to it, don’t you think?

CATHERINE: (writing notes) Authentically... unpredictable... got it.

(End scene)